Going to Be a New Battle

On Tue, Dec 3, 2013 at 11:56 AM, G wrote:

A,
My job is delaying my health benefits because I don't make enough money after child support deductions to pay for the benefits.  This means I have to modify our current child support arrangement.  I have been trying to avoid it, but basically I have to.
Along with the child support amount I have wanted to change a few things about our current parenting arrangement.
I would like to see this happen with the least disruption and stress to either one if us.  To me that means either sitting down together and going over our current arrangement or I can send a list of things I'd like to change to you and vise versa and finding a middle ground we can both live with. Then getting an attorney or paralegal to write it up to submit to the court.
How would you like to progress?
Sincerely,
 GB

G,

I am sorry you aren't able to get insurance. I know how much that sucks. I also know how hard it is not having enough money. I am struggling a lot too. And that is with the current support order. With that order, it was set with T only going to daycare 3 days/week. In January he will be starting at Hearn full time for preschool. I will be in school full time as well, so I couldn't keep him home even if I wanted to. But the school is good for him. He loves learning and enjoys his time with friends so I am not worried about him going full time.

Also, the current child support order was set for even less than our current parenting time arrangement. I agreed to less money already. And you haven't been able to take the kids the amount of time that is currently in our arrangement. Unfortunately I don't know how you can take them more often with you job. I give them to you whenever you are available and have asked you a few times if you can take them more. Conversely, you have asked me to keep them a few times because you needed to pick up extra shifts, have needed a day off to yourself to get stuff done or because you needed a date night. I have always been fully flexible with your changing schedule. Let me know what you are thinking of for a schedule as I ask every month.

Again, I am sorry for your money troubles. One thing I DO think we need to discuss is the house and how to get it turned over to the bank. I can't believe they still haven't foreclosed on it and it is really time for it to be gone.  

A

 

On Dec 4, 2013 G wrote:

My gross income has been roughly 2050-2400 per month.  After deductions I am taking home about $650-750. That's not enough to live on.  

I can do $500 per month total for child support including paying down the arrears.  I want to remove the provision that I pay 2 days of the daycare expenses per week.  That still won't leave me enough to live on but I won't be borrowing $750-900 per month to pay my bills.  

Please provide me with a current copy of the child care expenses.  I am working on the paperwork to submit and need those figures for the form.

Thank you

 

(Mailed paperwork. No comments added)

 

A,

This isn't going to be one of those things I start and drop.  This is going to change.   You can make it easy or difficult.  If you decide to be unreasonable I will seek attorney's fees.  Court means having lawyers etc.  I would rather work it out peacefully together.  

S's before school care is so you can work out, so that isn't part of the child support calculation.  If you are required to be in school before 8, you can drop the kids with me in the mornings. 

If you want to continue to leave the part of our decree that states I am responsible for paying 2 days a week of the daycare expenses active, then I will include that in how the child support is calculated.  

Because you are electing to go to school your previous income will be used to calculate the child support.   Please confirm your hourly rate of $16.14 per hour times 40 hours per week or provide documentation otherwise.  If you have any other sources of income or if you are living rent free please disclose them now.  

The last thing I need to complete the child support calculation is how you are paying for the kids medical coverage in the up coming year.  Please provide that for me so I can complete the calculation that I will be filing.  Either way, I believe Obama care subsidizes the cost of their care because your income is below the threshold and thus the cost of their care won't be part of the calculation unless you can prove otherwise.

Please let me know a) your school start time, b) how the kids will be insured and the costs, c) if you are willing the change the clause where I pay for 2 days of child care in our decree d) disclose or confirm your income.  

Let's resolve this peacefully please.  I'd like to work out an agreement to take in to the court as soon as possible with the least amount of disruption in our daily lives.  

As far as the house is concerned, your bk is the problem and you need to resolve it.  I can't do that for you.  I would if I could.  Mail, hand deliver, or otherwise make sure Chase has a copy of your discharge letter.  As far as the HOA and stuff goes that should be resolved with the sale of the house.  If for some reason it doesn't, you need to take up the new charges with your trustee.  They reopened the case with Chase, which delayed the sale of the house.  

Thank you,

G

He met someone new...

G pulled me in the other room on Halloween night and said he wanted to talk to me. Then he said since he didn't consult me before, he wanted to now and asked my opinion on introducing dates to the kids. I told him that he needs to wait a REALLY long time. Only introduce them if they are going to be living together or getting engaged. He said that is ridiculous. That they need to meet to know if they get along. I said, it doesn't matter. If you are dating someone and to the point of living together or getting married and the kids meet her and they don't get along are you going to dump her??? No, you will just work on the kids and her relationship. He didn't really say much after that. *sigh* So he has someone new. I am worried about when he will introduce her to the kids. But I am also annoyed that he can meet girls so easy when frankly I haven't met any quality guy in the 2.5 years since we split. It is depressing.

A few days later...

As I picked up S from school her teacher quietly asked me if there had been a death in the family. I was shocked by her question. She was trying to talk to me without S overhearing. Plus there was a line of cars waiting to pick up their kids. So I said I would email her. Here are the emails...

From: Me

Sent: Wednesday, November 06, 2013 2:59 PM
To: Teacher
Subject: Curious about what happened

 

I'm curious and concerned about what happened with S at school today. Please let me know so we can figure it out.

 

Thanks,

Me

 

On Wed, Nov 6, 2013 at 4:21 PM, Teacher wrote:

Hi, 

 

We were drawing pictures in preparation of our class book.  Her story kept changing – She spoke to Ms. P and Ms. M (my intern) and they to me.

 

At first she was saying something about an infant sibling that had died and then she said her mom was crying because her mom (I’m assuming grandmother had died)

 

I really didn’t know what to make of it – which is why I brought it to your attention?

 

Her picture was happy and it was about her selling ice cream – but off to the side she drew and labeled “ Mom”  and she looked sad?

 

Please let me know what you find out and if there is anything I can do.

 

Thanks,

Teacher

 

From: Me
Sent: Wednesday, November 06, 2013 4:44 PM
To: Teacher
Subject: Re: Curious about what happened

 

The only thing I can think of is she overheard someone talking about her therapy. Unfortunately when I lost my job she can't go anymore as AHCCCS wont cover it. But what happened was after divorcing me her dad he met someone new. they lived together for a while and she got pregnant. She had the baby but after two weeks she left him and took the baby with her. She refuses to let my ex see her or the baby. I tried talking to her so my kids would be able to see their little brother but things didn't work out. They were having a hard time dealing with not seeing her or their brother so I had gotten them in therapy. While we never said this in front of the kids (I don't think) apparently S must have overheard. Because the therapist compared the kids not being able to see the girlfriend or baby anymore to being like a death. And they having to deal with the loss.

 

...Actually, now that I think about it my ex mentioned dating someone new. He was asking about what I thought would be a reasonable amount of time before he introduces the kids. I said because of everything with the last girlfriend he needs to wait as long as possible. Meaning not until he either moves in or proposes to the new girl. I am GUESSING that maybe he was talking to her on the phone and explaining why he wouldn't introduce the kids. That maybe he said that by them not seeing their baby brother and his mom that it was like they died. And maybe S overheard this. I will have to call him tonight and ask him about it.

 

She does talk about g/f and brother still. She misses them and is still dealing with the loss of them. When she gets sad about them she will usually complain about a tummy ache or other illness. I wish I could take her in to see her therapist but I don't have the money to cover it without insurance.

 

Me

 

Teacher	8:27 AM (2 hours ago)
to me

 

Thanks for sharing this.  I will let you know if anything else is brought out in class.

 

Thanks,

Teacher

 

 

I will update later after I talk to G...

Illogical and irrational

Si I already said I lost my job. Well, I don't have a lot of money until I figure things out so I need to stretch what I do have. So I decided I was not going to pay for extra childcare. I had already paid for T to go two days this week. I figured Monday and Thursday would be good since G will have him on Tuesday and on Wednesday he usually drops him off at 11 so I figured he can just bring him to me at that time. Then next week he will start at the school. I will go ahead and pay for that so he doesn't lose his spot. So this is how the texts went with G...

Me: Tomorrow I'll drop the kids off at 6am like usual. On Wednesday you usually drop T off at 11 right? You can bring him here at 11.
G: I will bring T to daycare when I can on Wednesday.
Me: Not daycare. To me. But I wont be home until 730. So anytime after 730.
G: If he had to go to school while I was looking for a job then the same is true for you
Me: Then pay them cuz I don't have the money! He starts Hearn the following week.
G: No. And I didn't have the money and that didn't matter to you so why should it to me?
Me: With you out of work I was still bringing home 1900/month. With me out of work I only get the 700 from you. THAT is the difference!
G: The only way this is different is now you get to feel how I felt when you forced the issue. T needs school is what you said right? That hasn't changed.
Me: No the difference is I could cover the money for you. You can't. If you want to pay for daycare and I will owe you for it then feel free.
G: You didn't give me a choice
Me: The difference is NEITHER OF US can pay for it. Fine. You want him to go. That's fine. Now figure out how to pay for it. News flash. They don't accept your kid ay daycare unless you pay!!
G: There is no difference. I wasn't working and had to live on $480/month and could have saved us both money by watching T and S. you refused. You insisted that they go to daycare instead of being with me. Now you need to eat your words. They need to be in school is what you said right?
Me: G there is a difference. The difference is what I have already explained. I was able to cover the daycare costs. So if you can cover the costs then pay it and he can go. And I will owe you. You don't understand that they wont accept him unless someone PAYS!
G: you can end this argument and save yourself the grief by apologizing for not letting me watch the kids when I was looking for a job.
Me: Kiss my ass. If you want to drop him off be prepared to pay $28 for that day.
G: Except I owe you for all the child support that accumulated during that time still and I have to pay interest.
Me: then take me to court. Feel free.
G: Look at this from my perspective for a sec and try to see why I am a little ticked. Get ready because we are going over finances this year.
Me: Your perspective is completely illogical. I'm sorry I can't think in illogics. For any change in child care it has to go through the courts. good luck. I'm done talking to you.
G: I lost my job, you insisted the kids go to school. You lose yours and now its ok that T stay home? That is called a double standard.
Me: He is staying home for a week G. One week. So I don't have to spend more money that I don't have. He will start at the school next week and then I will be paying for that. Jump off your high fucking horse and step back into reality.

A cxled visit

So we have been following G's work schedule for about a month and a half now. It ended up being that he would have the kids Tuesday morning until Wednesday morning every other week. And Saturday evening until Monday morning every other week. This is quite a far cry from what the kids were used to seeing him. Dropped from 12 nights a month to just 6 nights.

And then yesterday I get a text from him that he will be cxling next weekend. They will see him on Tuesday but then they wont see him again for two weeks until the following Tuesday. I know they are really going to be sad about this. And to make matters worse with me losing my job I no longer have insurance and they wont be able to see their therapist. :( Hopefully I can help them deal with the sadness that I think this will bring.

Job, schedule, ex - oh my!

First, G got a job! And the best part was sine he was on unemployment as soon as he updated with them it updated DES and the child support was immediately able to go after his checks. It will still take time to process in the system but at least I wont have the waiting time like when he started at Cox.

Unfortunately a new job means a new schedule. As soon as he got the job he told me what he THINKS his schedule will be. Then when he got his schedule he emailed it to me but said he didn't' know what plan for the kids but would "like to keep his Monday's free". Pish! Yea right buddy! I would like to have my Saturdays; free but I can't. It is called being a parent!! Later I emailed him again asking about his schedule and what he plans to do about the kids counseling since he was supposed to be taking them. He worked it out to be able to take S last week but never sent a schedule. (was supposed to be able to take T to counseling this week but cxled last night) So I waited and waited. And finally I got annoyed and sent him this email...

I am quite frustrated and I am apt to come off sounding bitchy. Fair warning. It is just that you get pissed off at me when I tell you how things are going to be but yet you take no responsibility to do them yourself. I have given you ample time and opportunity to figure shit out. I don't understand how it is so hard to look at your schedule and say, "The is what I want for parenting time". It isn't rocket science. I have attached a schedule. I will assume it is the plan unless I hear otherwise WITH A DECENT ALTERNATIVE SUGGESTED.

Sunday	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday
	1	2	3	4	5	6
7	8	9	10	11	12	13
14	15	16	17	18	19	20
	(pick up after	(Drop off in	Drop off at	S Bday		Pick up after
	Work??)	Am??)	School	Ice cream after work?		work
21	22	23	24	25	26	27
		Drop off at
		school
28	29	30	31
	(pick up after	(Drop off in	Drop off at	*S starts
	Work??)	Am??)	School	Kindergarten*

He took the kids today but I still haven't heard about this weekend or anything else. :-/OH! And last night we were arguing about the drop off today. He was trying to get them last night but couldn't make it there until after 8pm and I refused to keep the kids up that late for him to get them. he knows bedtime is at 7 and with school starting soon I think it is important to keep with good bedtime habits. Plus they had a very busy weekend and we were ALL worn out from it. So then he said I couldn't drop them off until after 630; knowing I have boot camp at 630. I told him I would bring them at 6. He refused and told me he didn't have to accommodate for my class. For which I responded, "No, I just always have to accommodate for yours. Work, date nights, game nights, headaches, etc." Then he said he would be in Mesa this Thursday and would "let me know" if he can see the kids for her bday. Which means he will call on that day and I am expected to drop any plans I have made to accommodate him seeing her. *sigh*

And in other news I still haven't met up with the ex. She cxled our last meeting because she was sick and worried she had strep. She said she would call when she was feeling better. I didn't hear from her until two nights ago. She was looking to set up meeting again and I told her I would have to get back to her since G can't get his schedule together. I am hoping we will be able to meet this Saturday. She did ask if I "wanted to do this on the phone" but I said in person would be best. I still don't know what she wants to talk about or thinks this meeting is about. I am starting to think it isn't about getting our kids together. :-(

The Ex

About a month ago I contacted G's ex g/f. I tossed out that we could get the kids together some times so they could know their sibling and he could know his. When I didn't hear back from her I figured I had tried. Of course this was before setting up the play therapist and at the suggestion of the first therapist I had contacted through my EAP. So imagine my surprise when I woke up Sunday morning to a message from her. She said she wanted to get together and talk and would I meet her one night when the kids were with their dad. She also said she left G due to "domestic violence". No surprise there. I wonder what he did. Was is more of just screaming and name calling or did he actually escalate to physical abuse? Did the kids see any of it???

I emailed the kids therapist that morning to get her take on things. Also, I realized I hadn't told her about the abuse and that is probably something she should really know about. Duh!! But to give myself a break, G WAS there at the intake appointment as well so I wasn't able to go into things like I could have had he not been there.

She responded to me today and said it is important to find out if the kids have seen any of the violence. That when G and I was together I was there to protect them and now with no one there to protect them it can have more traumatic results. Great. Make me feel like shit! She didn't mean to. But really there is nothing I can do. :(  Anyway, in regard to ex g/f she said to meet with her and see what she is thinking. That it would definitely be beneficial to the kids if they could see and have a relationship with her and baby bro AS LONG AS it is consistent. If they are going to see then every week for the next few but then not see them again for months it will cause more damage. But if it is a consistent once a month type thing then yes, do it!

Now I just need to meet up with her. I think we are planning to meet this Wednesday. I will see what she says and then try to find a tactful way to relay the message that if she agrees to have the siblings know each other she needs to commit. I can't let my kids get hurt worse.

Past, present, and future...

It has been a long time since I have posted. This doesn't mean that things have been sunshine and roses. We have had our arguments. He has said stupid things. It was very blog worthy. But I got off track and slacked. I have gone abck and read through old posts and realized how little sense they make. So I am not going to go back and try to recapture things that have happened over the past few months. It isn't worth it to me. But I AM going to try to keep this more up to date from now on. That is my goal.

So what we need now is to be brought up to speed. We eventually got on a better schedule and have been able to stick to it for about 6 months or more. He picks up the kids every Tuesday night and then drops them off at daycare Thursday morning. Then he gets them every other weekend from Saturday to Monday morning when he drops them off at daycare.

G/f had her baby in December. The kids were so excited to be big brother and sister. I even got them shirts:

Unfortunately G and g/f broke up 2 weeks later and the kids haven't seen her or the baby since. In March he moved from Mesa to be closer to us. He now lives about a half a mile away. It has been much easier and I am sure will be easier when school starts. In April he lost his job. He has signed up for unemployment and I am still getting some money. Not the full amount and none of the back but at least it is something. 

In the last few weeks we have experienced some events with the kids that has led to us seeking some therapy for them. G and I met her the other day but the kids haven't met her yet. I really like her and her approach so I am hopeful that this will really help not only the kids but G and I with how to manage them and what to say to them with all of these things going on. Especially the loss of g/f and their baby brother. (G says he doesn't have money to go to court right now. I don't approve and have expressed my feeling but he doesn't listen to me of course. I feel he should find a lawyer pro bono... but I digress...)

So now we are moving forward. Looking forward to S birthday in July and then the start of Kindergarten for her and Preschool for T in August. Hopefully G and I will have more and more good communication as it seems we are moving in that direction.